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I got these questions in an e-mail and don’t seem to have enough sense not to answer them.
Can you cry under water?
Yes.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
It really isn’t a question of “important.” Assassinations are committed against political or ruling figures. No matter how important a person is, if he or she is not a ruler or political leader, it is just murder. (Did I say, “just murder?”)
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
The question makes no sense. It would be more reasonable to ask, “If banks have branches why don’t they grow leaves?” But still, why should they?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
First, lots of bread is not square, in fact some of the best bread. (Where do you live anyway?) Second, not all “sandwich meat” is round. Third, does it really matter to you if your bread shape matches that of the meat you put in it? By the way, (historical note here) back in the 70’s one of those square bread manufactures did try to sell the same kind of mushy white bread baked in a round form but nobody seemed to care.
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Neither two cents nor a penny are worth anything anymore. Why don’t you ask why your government spends so much money manufacturing pennies?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
No.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
It is easier to make a round pizza than a square one. It is easier to make a square box than a round one. Nobody really cares about the empty corners, but there is of course one major pizza chain that does try to limit them with octagon shaped boxes.
What disease did cured ham actually have?
”Cured”, as many words have, has more than one meaning. Since a “ham” is never alive it could not have been sick. We hope the pig was health right up until it died.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Now there is a good question.
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Babies should have no worries to disturb their sleep. Ok, that is wishful thinking but it is the theory anyway.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you were deaf, you would probable not think this was a funny question.
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Probably.
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
People who are trying to learn English as a second language ask this question seriously all the time. You could ask other questions. You are in a movie theater, people used to say, “on the silver screen”, they say, “in the cast”, “in the play”, “on stage”, “He played in a TV sitcom”. And there’s the answer. I personally have never been in a movie, but I was on TV. Not in the show, just caught in an audience shot. Still I was on TV. There is a pattern here. So what’s on TV tonight? What is on at the movies? It does make sense when you think about it.
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
You get a better view.
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
In both cases, the choice is from a lot more than that. And, you don’t really get to make it do you?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
They are trying to make you think they don’t care what you look like naked.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
He/she calls the person or persons he/she would send to anyone else’s heart attack. Really, you could have figured that one out by yourself.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
“Panties” is the diminutive form for “pants”. “Pants” has been treated as plural since the original word was derived from one that referred to both parts (the legs). I don’t know where the word “Bra” came from. It seems to be a shortened form of something. Apparently whatever that word was did not refer to the two parts of the clothing.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
”The full effect” Just what is that? Do you read things in your soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Umm... don’t you think someone watched a calf do it first?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
It’s for toasting frozen bread. That takes longer.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
People don’t usually browse the freezer.
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
Well you could, and I recommend it.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
The song is not really about Jimmy or the corn.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Yes.
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
It was just a TV show and the scriptwriters could see that their jobs wouldn’t have lasted long if he could.
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Having to go to the toilet probable embarrasses them. Or maybe they think that pointing to ones crotch could be taken to mean something else.
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Goofy is an animal character in a cartoon. Pluto is the dog belonging to an animal character in a cartoon. That makes Pluto one degree more “dog”. Have you noticed that he can’t talk either?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Dancers.
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
You should ask a blind person.
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Animal instinct? No, self-interested scriptwriters again; a coyote buying and eating dinner could only be funny once… or maybe he could go to different restaurants… it doesn’t work for me.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
I don't know. You will have to go to a store and read the label, but just in case you were worried it was made from babies, don't. There are three kinds of oil. One, the kind named after what it is made from (coconut - for instance). Two, the kind named after what it is used for (motor - for instance). Three, the kind named for something else (WD40 - ever wonder where that came from? I read that it was the 40th attempt at inventing a new Water-Displacing oil).
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Depends on who's "morality" you're talking about.
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
There is also Disney Land.
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes. Astute of you to notice.
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Didn't. I already knew that.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
"It"? What are you talking about?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Dogs don't get mad when I blow in their face. Maybe it's your breath.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Do you ever wonder if I have too much time on my hands?
umm...
. . . and that will end my burst of sophomoric sarcasm for today.
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